I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.