[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.