If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.