Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.