There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict