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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.