I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You Might Also Like
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
how to have fun when you’re poor
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Alexa, make me look good naked.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying