The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Has there ever been a more American story?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh