*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
when there are deer in the woods
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.