My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)