Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
How times have changed.
*aggressively waits in line*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.