I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
the Monday after daylight savings
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.