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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Holy shit he’s back
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
BRAKING NEWS!!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]