On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.