When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Sharon I have some bad news
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.