iPhone X
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
How do you milk an almond?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.