I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
#MeanwhileinCanada
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???