If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.