If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?