The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”