Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You Might Also Like
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles