*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.