I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter