I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
You Might Also Like
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I just love that new Pope smell.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible