[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I can’t wait!
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.