My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.