I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.