When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
rise and shine we got egg
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
become ungovernable
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Owl Sanctuary