Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Alexa: *deep breath*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder