TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond