Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.