If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
You Might Also Like
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money