Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Catering service
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready