I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My first son he is wonderful
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.