Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs