I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?