I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure