Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Who did it better?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m aging like a fine banana
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart