Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?