My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You Might Also Like
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.