Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.