My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
me and who
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.