I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
You Might Also Like
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
a god among men
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time