How is it still this week?
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon