Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
One of the best
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok