I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
i now pronounce you bounced.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.