Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Mission: Impossible
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
time for some seasonal decor
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.