It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA