I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries