Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
socratic questions
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!